Man's Estate

  1. In the beginning, God acquired the heaven and the earth.
  2 And the earth was without form, and void, and represented a wonderful
opportunity for the imaginative developer; and darkness was upon the face of
the deep, but scheduled for major structural alteration at an early date. 
  3 And God said, let there be light: and the darkness was tastefully
converted at the developer's own expense. 
  4 And God made the light the subject of his personal inspection, that it
was good:  and God divided the light from the darkness, to the highest
  5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night.  And the
evening (which was within a stone’s throw of the Night) and the morning
(which was most convenient for easy reach of the Day) together constituted a
virtually fully detached unit.
  6 And God granted outline planning permission for a prestige firmament in
the midst of the waters, so that the entire project would enjoy full
waterside frontage.
  7 And God erected the firmament: and to underline the extremely high
quality designed to appeal to the most discriminating taste in homes, lie
called it Heaven. 
  8 And God said, Let the waters under Heaven be gathered together into one
place to constitute a substantial area for recreation, yet one with
considerable industrial potential for the discerning businessman seeking to
diversify; and let the dry land appear.  And it was so.
  9 And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the
waters called he Seas: and at those points where the Seas lapped against the
Earth, he called it nothing to worry about.
  10 And God said, Let the earth bring forth attractive countless lawns
needing a minimum of attention and borders offering a wealth of mature
flowering shrubs, and numerous climbing plants including clematis, wisteria
and a veritable riot of honeysuckle, plus good-size plots for the keen
vegetable enthusiast.
  11  And it was so.
  12  And God said, Let there be carriage drives.
  13  And God saw that not all of the earth faced South; and where it faced
South, he called it South-facing; and where it faced East, called he it
partly South-facing; and where it faced West, called he it partly
South-facing; and where it faced North, called he it
  14 And when God looked upon his work, and the countless delightful plots,
and the countless charming plots, and the countless convenient plots, and the
countless exclusive plots, and the countless substantial plots, and the
countless spacious plots, and the countless prime plots, and the countless
quality plots, and the countless valuable plots, and the countless enviable
plots, and the countless ideal plots, and the countless unique plots, all of
which were just in the market, he found them good.
  15 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, quietly
traditional and yet containing the ultimate in modern features; and let him
have dominion over all the plots on earth.
  16 So God created man in his own image; male and female created he them,
similar in basic design but differing in details according to individual
  17 And God planted a lovely, but manageable, garden eastward (though
South-facing) in Eden;  and there he put the man whom he had formed.
  18 And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is
pleasant for the sight, and good for food, including a very old apricot which
could be counted on to produce at least two or three fruit a year and looked
truly fabulous against the wall down by the ample parking space for up to
three vehicles. 
  19 And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; which also represented
an attractive investment, since fishing rights went with the property.  There
was also more than enough space for a swimming pool if required, plus a hard
tennis court, the whole extending to some  two-and-a-ninth acres to form a
truly delightful self-contained leisure area.
  20 And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to
dress it and to keep it; and to build thereon a detached residence in keeping
with the truly salubrious environment, after the nature of the planning
permission, and to hold it against a 999-year lease, at a peppercorn rent.
  21 And the man, who was called Adam, enquired in his wise as to whether the
freehold was available for purchase; and there was thunder about that place
for a goodly time.
  22 And Adam erected himself an executive property of distinction in a much
sought after position overlooking a favoured reach of the Eden, completely
secluded, yet within five minutes walk of all the beasts of the field and all
the fowls of the air.
  23 He split the level, so that the dining recess was three gracious steps
up from the elegant lounge, the two combining to form a truly impressive
entertainments area.  It would have suited a diplomat, or film person. 
  24 He installed a dream kitchen; it had countless fabulous features. 
  25 And above, reached by a staircase that was a feature of the property,
built he a magnificent bedroom, fully fitted; and, en-suite, a bathroom.  And
there yet remained ample space. 
  26 And God saw the residence; and saw that it was exclusive.  And he noted
the ample space above, more than enough for two more bedrooms plus lavish
space for storage, or maid. 
  27 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I
will make him an help meet for him.  And he caused a deep sleep to fall upon
Adam, and he slept: and he took one of- his ribs, and closed up the flesh
instead thereof, and made good. 
  28 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from the, man, made he a
woman, despite being up to here with work; and brought her to the man.
  29 And the man look her into the house; and said, in celebration I shall
call this attractive residence Adeve.
  30 And the woman said, Evam.
  31 And the woman looked about her, and said, It may be executive to you,
but it is not executive to me.  And she caused the man  to build an extension
in cedarwood upon that which had been built before, and she caused him to
convert the loft space into a play area.  And above the extension, there was
erected a granny flat.
  32 And God came to Adam, and waxed exceeding wrath, and said, What is that
wooden thing stuck on the delightful brick elevations to side and rear?  And
what is that thing on top of it?
  33 And Adam replied in this wise: the thing is a room extension, a charming
suntrap throughout the year, and the thing on top of it is a granny flat.
  34 And God said, A granny flat?
  35 And Adam thought awhile.
  36 And replied, All right, then, how about a sauna? 
  37 And the LORD God waxed terrible in his fury.  And he said, Hast thou
ignored the planning permission? Hast thou flouted all the requirements and
stipulations of the lease that I granted unto you?
  38 And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she has
persuaded me to this.
  39 And God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done?
  40 And the woman replied, The property was ripe for extension, there was no
point staying stuck in two rooms with all that space going begging, I wanted
somewhere with a bit of tone.   Didn't I?
  41 And God said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in
sorrow thou shalt bring forth children.  They shall fill those rooms that
thou has built, contrary to mine of the 15th ultimo; they shall write on the
walls, and break the windows, and get their heads caught in the banisters,
and scream.  They shall block the plugs and the drains, they shall knock the
tiles from the roof, they shall pull up the shrubs and make waste the velvet
lawns.  They shall kick the skirtings to pieces. 
  42 And Adam cried, Before we know it, this will be a property in need of
some minor decoration, despite being basically sound. 
  43 And God looked about him, and saw that the situation and the dwelling
were indeed second to none; and that a substantial price could be expected
for the freehold.
  44 Therefore the LORD God sent them forth from the garden of Eden.  He
drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden Cherubims, and a
flaming sword which turned every way; and the approach to the house alone
made it worth easily six figures.


thanks to a fwd from Stephen Hicks {}

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