Actual Headlines

   1.  Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
   2.  Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
   3.  Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
   4.  Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
   5.  Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
   6.  Farmer Bill Dies in House
   7.  Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
   8.  Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
   9.  Stud Tires Out
   10.  Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
   11.  Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
   12.  Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
   13.  British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
   14.  Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
   15.  Eye Drops off Shelf
   16.  Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
   17.  Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
   18.  Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
   19.  Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
   20.  Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
   21.  Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
   22.  Miners Refuse to Work after Death
   23.  Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
   24.  Stolen Painting Found by Tree
   25.  Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
   26.  Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
   27.  Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
   28.  Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
   29.  Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
   30.  War Dims Hope for Peace
   31.  If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
   32.  Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
   33.  Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
   34.  Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
   35.  Deer Kill 17,000
   36.  Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
   37.  Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
   38.  New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
   39.  Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
   40.  Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
   41.  Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
   42.  Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
   43.  British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
   44.  Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
   45.  Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
   46.  Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
   47.  New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
   48.  Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
   49.  Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
   50.  Air Head Fired
   51.  Steals Clock, Faces Time
   52.  Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
   53.  Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
   54.  Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
   55.  Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
   56.  Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
   57.  Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
   58.  Include your Children When Baking Cookies

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Thanks to a fwd from hlevin@cruzio.com (Hal Levin)