New Entries for the Periodic Table

Limbaughium Lb
The heaviest known element.  It possesses an ever-expanding mass.  Very 
white.  Acidic.  Emits heat but no light.  Instantly polarizes all elements 
that come in contact with it.  Repels protons and electrons; attracts only 
morons.
     
Billclintium Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series 
of interesting changes when in hot water.
     
Canadium Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser.  Much more rigid.  Often called 
boron.
     
Innoffensium Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, and 
quarks.  Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.
     
Newtium Ng
Extreme irritant.  Carries a strong negative charge.  Does not possess 
magnetic properties.  Can be purchased cheaply.
     
Quaylium Vp
Einsteinium it ain't.
     
Budweisium Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water. 

Cabmium Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed.  Exists in two states, in motion and 
at rest.  When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. 
Cabmium has a charge associated with it.  The charge is variable, and 
scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
     
Politicium Po
Contains a great deal of gas.  Similar to radon, in that it can reach 
lethal concentrations in the House.
     
Congress Cg
Atomic number 525.  Can never be found in a solution. 

Snot  Sn
Bonds permanently with corduroy.

    {From a recent contest in the The Washington Post where readers 
     were asked to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table.}