Gilbert and Sullivan do Xena

 [We join our operetta already in progress.  The infamous Pirates of
 Pergamum have just seized a bevy of beautiful Mytilenean maidens,
 and are attempting to carry them off for matrimonial purposes - or
 possibly something a little less permanent.  Gabrielle intervenes,
 with a recitative.  (Commentator's Note: Well, at least it's better
 than a pan flute solo)]


 GABRIELLE
 Hold, scoundrels! Ere ye practice acts of villainy
 Upon the peaceful and agrarian,
 Just bear in mind, these maidens of My-TIL-ene[1]
 Are guarded by a buff barbarian!

 PIRATES
 We'd better all rethink our cunning plan;
 They're guarded by a buff barbarian.

 MAIDENS
 Yes, yes, she is a buff barbarian.


 [Xena leaps in from the wings, with a tremendous war cry, does a mid-air
 somersault, and lands on her feet on the Pirate King's chest.]


 XENA
 Yes, yes, I am a buff barbarian!


 [aria]

 XENA
 I am the very model of a heroine barbarian;
 Through Herculean efforts, I've become humanitarian.
 I ride throughout the hinterland -- at least that's what they call it in
 Those sissy towns like Athens (I, myself, am Amphipolitan).
 I travel with a poet who is perky and parthenian [2]
 And scribbles her hexameters in Linear Mycenian [3]
 (And many have attempted, by a host of methods mystical,
 To tell if our relationship's sororal or sapphistical).

 CHORUS
 To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
 To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
 To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphisti-phistical!

 XENA
 My armory is brazen, but my weapons are ironical;
 My sword is rather phallic, but my chakram's rather yonical [4]
 (To find out what that means, you'll have to study Indo-Aryan [5]).
 I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!


 CHORUS
 To find out what that means, we'll have to study Indo-Aryan --
 She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!

 XENA
 I wake up every morning, ere the dawn is rhododactylous [6]
 (Who needs to wait for daylight? I just work by _sensus tactilis_ [7].)
 And ride into the sunrise to protect some local villagers
 From mythologic monsters or from all-too-human pillagers.
 I hurtle towards each villain with a recklessness ebullient
 And cow him with my swordwork and my alalaes ululient [8];
 He's frightened for his head, because he knows I'm gonna whack it --
 he's
 Aware that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhetes_!


 [The music crashes to a halt.  CHORUS stares at XENA in utter confusion.
 XENA sighs.]


 It's *Greek*. It means "Warrior Princess"!


 [Light dawns on CHORUS.  The music resumes.]  Sheesh . . .


 CHORUS
 He knows that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhetes_!
 He knows that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhetes_!

 He knows that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhe-makhetes_,


 XENA
 Because I've got my armor, which is really rather silly, on
 (It's cut so low I feel like a tower of old Ilion,
 And isn't any use against attackers sagittarian [9]).
 I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!


 CHORUS
 It isn't any use against attackers sagittarian --
 She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!


 XENA
 In short, when I can tell you how I break the laws of gravity,
 And why my togs expose my intermammary concavity,
 And why my comrade changed her dress from one that fit more comfily
 To one that shows her omphalos [10] (as cute as that of Omphale [11]),
 And why the tale of Spartacus appears in Homer's versicon [12],


 [She holds up a tomato:]


 XENA
 And where we found examples of the genus _Lycopersicon_[13],
 And why this Grecian scenery looks more like the Antipodes,
 You'll say I'm twice the heroine of any in Euripides!


 CHORUS
 We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
 We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
 We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripi-ripides!


 XENA
 But though the kinked chronology, confusing and chimerical
 (It's often unhistorical, but rarely unhysterical),
 Would give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian,
 I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!


 CHORUS
 'T would give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian --
 She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!


 [As the orchestra repeats the final chorus, a wild Xenaesque melee
 ensues.  The curtain falls.]

 *********************

 NOTES

 [1] Actually, "Mytilene" would properly be accented on the third
 syllable; Gabrielle always did have trouble with rhymes.  (Mytilene,
 incidentally, is a city on the isle of Lesbos -- the hometown of the
 poet Sappho, as a matter of fact.  It is not clear what, if
 anything, Gilbert is trying to imply here.)

 [2] parthenian: virginal.

 [3] Linear Mycenian: Mycenian is the ancient dialect of Greek which
 was written in Linear B (a form of Greek writing that predates the
 adoption of the alphabet).  The implication is that Gabrielle does
 her writing in Linear B; if _Xena_ takes place around the time of
 the Trojan war, this is chronologically reasonable.

 [4] yonical: "Yonic" is the female counterpart to "phallic."

 [5] Indo-Aryan: The language group consisting of Sanskrit and its close
 relatives.  Both "chakram" and "yonic" are of Sanskrit derivation.

 [6] rhododactylous: rosy-fingered. (Homer makes frequent reference to
 _rhododaktulos eos_ -- "rosy-fingered dawn".)

 [7] _sensus tactilis_: Latin for "the sense of touch".

 [8] "Alalaes" are war-cries (the Greeks spelled a Xena-like war cry as
 _alala_ or _alale_) and "ululient" is a coined term, apparently meaning
 "characterized by ululation".

 [9] sagittarian: archer-like.

 [10] omphalos: belly-button.

 [11] Omphale: Legendary queen of Lydia. From context, we must assume
 that she had a cute belly-button; however, no known classical source
 seems to address this vital issue.

 [12] versicon: a coined term, apparently meaning "collection of verse".

 [13] _Lycopersicon_: the biological genus to which tomatoes are
 assigned.  (The tomato is a New World plant, and was entirely
 unknown in the Old World in pre-Columbian times. Thus, having
 tomatoes in a _Xena_-ish context is an even greater anachronism than
 having Homer tell the tale of Spartacus.)

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Thanks to a fwd from libertarian@erols.com (doris gordon)